I thought you'd be here by now / /

i've probably typed this blog post up 100 times by now. so if you're reading this, i somehow built up the courage to actually finish it.

i'm about to open up, and be a little more personal than i've ever been and i hope thats ok.

i huddled up into a ball in bed today and cried for hours. i finally built up the strength to stand up and shower, only to end up back in the same position as before. this happens more than i'd like to admit and to be honest, its one of the only things that can make me feel better. i have a pretty tough exterior, i like to pretend i'm tough, and can handle anything. but in the last two years there's one specific thing that can rip through that tough exterior, and bring out all of the emotions that i have. some of you probably know exactly what i'm talking about, but to those of you who don't.. mitch and i have struggled with fertility for the last two years. there are couples who struggle for 5+ years, and some who struggle for 6 months… the amount of time may be different, but the pain is probably pretty similar. it aches in your heart, and in your head. its one of those cards that was dealt that i honestly could have done without. 

some of the most common responses that i get from people are "it'll happen, give it time you're still so young" or "don't think about it so much and thats when it will happen" which for the first little while i took with a big, fat smile on my face, but its a little bit harder to hear those things now. i know that heavenly father knows us better than we know ourselves. he knows when the right timing will be, and i put all of the faith that i have in that. at the same time, it doesn't make it easier. its still something that is constantly on my mind, and something that i struggle with daily. don't get me wrong. i have the best, and i mean THE BEST support system. my family and friends, but especially my husband. he is constantly reassuring me that i'll be a mother, and that i'll be a 'damn good one at that' he makes me so, so happy.

i'm fortunate enough to have two nieces and two nephews to hold me over for the time being. i find pure happiness in those rugrats, and i'm the luckiest auntie in the world! let me tell you a little story: i was having a less than good day, so just like any other time when i need my back tickled and a shoulder to cry on, i'm reaching for my momma. i headed into my parents house, with tears rushing down my cheeks i ran from room to room looking for my mom, who i found downstairs playing with my oldest niece and nephew. ryan was making a friendship bracelet, and reggi was playing with his favorite truck. my mom looked up at me and immediately stood up and hugged me as i just weeped in her arms. it was one of those moments where not a word was spoken, yet she knew exactly what was wrong. after what felt like a year being embraced in her arms, i pulled away to run to the bathroom and try to pull myself together, drying my eyes and blowing my nose (i know… SO cute) i heard knocking on the other end of the bathroom door, i opened the door to two of the cutest faces i've ever seen. both reggi and ryan immediately wrapped their arms around each of my legs, both telling me "you're going to be a mommy soon dany, we promise". there it was, all the work i just did to try and pull myself together went out the window, immediate tears as i bent down and pulled them both into my arms for the tightest, most genuine hug i have ever gotten. like i said, THE BEST support system around.

or like this last month when it came time for us to see if the negative sign would become a positive. having the majority of the symptoms of an early pregnancy i was pretty confident. i gave it a few more days just to be sure and to see if there would be any changes, that friday i took the test. waiting for the test results is the absolute worst.. i just sit there and sike myself out with things like… "ok, if i am how am i going to tell mitch, but i'm not, i know i'm not pregnant. but wait, if i am i can actually start eating like the inner fatty that i am. but i'm not pregnant, i know it" all while pacing back and forth, with the occasional glance over at the test. few minutes go by, and then there it is, the 'not pregnant' result… i'm usually ok for a few minutes, try to find something else to do, repeatedly saying 'i told you so' in my head, trying to act like my heart wasn't just broken into a million pieces. then it sinks in, and were back to square one. i cry for hours. then when i'm sick of myself being a baby, i slide off the bed and get on my knees and have a few words with the man upstairs. i'm upset, and bummed, and disappointed but i know that he can comfort me and give me the strength and patience to stride forward.

i guess the point that i'm trying to make is that, yes, this sucks. its crappy, and i really hate water proof mascara, so i'd prefer the tears stop. but at the end of the day when i kneel down and pray and ask my savior to give my babes a kiss on the forehead, tell them that i love them, and that can't wait to meet them.. i feel comfort. i feel warmth. i know that one day, whether that be here on earth, or up in heaven, that i will be blessed with children, with a family of my own and that alone is worth fighting for.

ARRIANNE & BRYCE SEALING

Arrianne is one of my best friends, and I was so fortunate to be able to be apart of her sealing. Bryce and Arrianne were married 05.03.13 and were sealed for all time and eternity on their one year anniversary 05.03.14 I love that they chose their one year anniversary to be sealed in the Bountiful Temple. Not only did I get to do Arrianne's makeup, but she also allowed me to be her escort in the Temple (pause for immediate tears) I was able to sit right next to her and hold her hand for a brief moment just before she and Bryce made the biggest commitment a person can make. I loved everything about that day. Now before I cry all over my keyboard let me jump into the look we decided to go with.

//Avi Stoddard Photgraphy 

After talking with Arrianne a little bit and trying to get an idea of what look we could create I got started. Arrianne is one of those lucky gals who gets to wear little to no makeup and still look absolutely gorgeous. She handed me the reigns this time and told me to just go for it. For her wedding, we went for a light look, and as much as I loved that, I wanted more of a POW for this. So we went with a subtle brown smokey eye, with her brown eyes the look was so complimenting and turned out just how we both wanted it to.

lets get started! 

Face:

Foundation: Revlon Colorstay Whipped 

I mean did you honestly expect anything else? This is my absolute favorite foundation, my holy grail. In #220 'Nude', I applied this using my Sigma F80 Flat Kabuki Brush

Concealer: IT cosmetics bye bye undereye concealer
I applied this using my Sigma P84 Precision Angled Brush under her eyes to brighten up the look and also to cancel out any dark circles. I absolutely love this concealer not only is it waterproof, but it is also an anti aging concealer with hydro-collagen and vitamins C&K! aka: best concealer period. 

Contour: Bobbi Brown Bronzing Powder 
Using my MAC 109 Small Contour Brush I lightly applied #1 'Natural' to her cheek bones, her jaw line and gently applied to the sides of her nose adding dimension to her face.

Blush: MAC Powder Blush
Taking my Bobbi Brown Blush Brush, I applied the color 'Melba' lightly to her cheeks 

Lips: Revlon colorburst lip butter 
When doing makeup, I immediately think of what colors compliment each other, with this brown look on her eyes, I brainstormed a few ideas throughout the process and came to the conclusion that a soft pink lip was the winner for this look. Once I had applied the lip butter in 'cupcake' to her lips, she immediately asked what color it was, and had mentioned that she loved it. score! 

Eyes: 
 I applied MAC Painterly Paint Pot to the entire lid, this will make your eyeshadow bullet proof. ALWAYS use a primer for your eyelids, especially for big events!
for her eyeshadow, we chose to go with the Too Faced A Few Of My Favorite Things (it was a limited time only item :( don't hate me) for her eye look.

using the E60 Brush from Sigma I applied 'woolen mittens' over the entire lid up to her crease, and continued applying until I got to the desired color that I wanted for the look. 

using the MAC 217 Eyeshadow Blending Brush  for a transitional color, I applied 'Chocolate Milk' using windshield wiping motions back and forth through the crease to blend the colors together and give it that smoked out look. 

I then took my clean Sigma E40 Blending Brush with no color, I blended over the entire eye to blend all of the colors together, to avoid harsh lines, and give it a more effortless look.
I then went back to the color 'Chocolate Milk' and with my Sigma E30 pencil brush, I blended it under her lash line to smoke it out on the bottom as well.
for eyeliner, we stuck with the long lasting Bobbi Brown Gel Eyeliner in Black Ink using the Sigma E05 eyeliner brush, we went with a thin line on the lid and extended out just a smidge to give her eyes an extended look.

Lashes:

applied Sephora Full Action Extreme Mascara to her upper and lower lashes

Brows:
 using my E65 Angled Brush I lightly filled her brows with Anastasia Brow Duo in Medium Brown

Finishing up:

 I  dusted some MAC Mineralized Skin Finish Natural in Medium over her entire face to set the foundation, and then once that had set I decided to add some glow to the look, so I finished up by taking my MAC Mineralized Skin Finish in 'soft and gentle' and applied this to the high points of her cheeks, the inner corners of her eyes and dusted the smallest amount to the top of her nose, as well as her cupids bow. spritz'd some Urban Decay All Nighter Setting Spray  to set everything in place for the day and voila! 

SO happy for you guys! thank you again for letting me apart of your big day, it meant the world to me! 



loves.