I thought you'd be here by now / /

i've probably typed this blog post up 100 times by now. so if you're reading this, i somehow built up the courage to actually finish it.

i'm about to open up, and be a little more personal than i've ever been and i hope thats ok.

i huddled up into a ball in bed today and cried for hours. i finally built up the strength to stand up and shower, only to end up back in the same position as before. this happens more than i'd like to admit and to be honest, its one of the only things that can make me feel better. i have a pretty tough exterior, i like to pretend i'm tough, and can handle anything. but in the last two years there's one specific thing that can rip through that tough exterior, and bring out all of the emotions that i have. some of you probably know exactly what i'm talking about, but to those of you who don't.. mitch and i have struggled with fertility for the last two years. there are couples who struggle for 5+ years, and some who struggle for 6 months… the amount of time may be different, but the pain is probably pretty similar. it aches in your heart, and in your head. its one of those cards that was dealt that i honestly could have done without. 

some of the most common responses that i get from people are "it'll happen, give it time you're still so young" or "don't think about it so much and thats when it will happen" which for the first little while i took with a big, fat smile on my face, but its a little bit harder to hear those things now. i know that heavenly father knows us better than we know ourselves. he knows when the right timing will be, and i put all of the faith that i have in that. at the same time, it doesn't make it easier. its still something that is constantly on my mind, and something that i struggle with daily. don't get me wrong. i have the best, and i mean THE BEST support system. my family and friends, but especially my husband. he is constantly reassuring me that i'll be a mother, and that i'll be a 'damn good one at that' he makes me so, so happy.

i'm fortunate enough to have two nieces and two nephews to hold me over for the time being. i find pure happiness in those rugrats, and i'm the luckiest auntie in the world! let me tell you a little story: i was having a less than good day, so just like any other time when i need my back tickled and a shoulder to cry on, i'm reaching for my momma. i headed into my parents house, with tears rushing down my cheeks i ran from room to room looking for my mom, who i found downstairs playing with my oldest niece and nephew. ryan was making a friendship bracelet, and reggi was playing with his favorite truck. my mom looked up at me and immediately stood up and hugged me as i just weeped in her arms. it was one of those moments where not a word was spoken, yet she knew exactly what was wrong. after what felt like a year being embraced in her arms, i pulled away to run to the bathroom and try to pull myself together, drying my eyes and blowing my nose (i know… SO cute) i heard knocking on the other end of the bathroom door, i opened the door to two of the cutest faces i've ever seen. both reggi and ryan immediately wrapped their arms around each of my legs, both telling me "you're going to be a mommy soon dany, we promise". there it was, all the work i just did to try and pull myself together went out the window, immediate tears as i bent down and pulled them both into my arms for the tightest, most genuine hug i have ever gotten. like i said, THE BEST support system around.

or like this last month when it came time for us to see if the negative sign would become a positive. having the majority of the symptoms of an early pregnancy i was pretty confident. i gave it a few more days just to be sure and to see if there would be any changes, that friday i took the test. waiting for the test results is the absolute worst.. i just sit there and sike myself out with things like… "ok, if i am how am i going to tell mitch, but i'm not, i know i'm not pregnant. but wait, if i am i can actually start eating like the inner fatty that i am. but i'm not pregnant, i know it" all while pacing back and forth, with the occasional glance over at the test. few minutes go by, and then there it is, the 'not pregnant' result… i'm usually ok for a few minutes, try to find something else to do, repeatedly saying 'i told you so' in my head, trying to act like my heart wasn't just broken into a million pieces. then it sinks in, and were back to square one. i cry for hours. then when i'm sick of myself being a baby, i slide off the bed and get on my knees and have a few words with the man upstairs. i'm upset, and bummed, and disappointed but i know that he can comfort me and give me the strength and patience to stride forward.

i guess the point that i'm trying to make is that, yes, this sucks. its crappy, and i really hate water proof mascara, so i'd prefer the tears stop. but at the end of the day when i kneel down and pray and ask my savior to give my babes a kiss on the forehead, tell them that i love them, and that can't wait to meet them.. i feel comfort. i feel warmth. i know that one day, whether that be here on earth, or up in heaven, that i will be blessed with children, with a family of my own and that alone is worth fighting for.